Last week, I posted about a writing I felt a need to get out of my system. This is that writing. I sent it to some close friends first.
The main thing I want you to understand is that I am not mad or disgruntled about anything that is included in this writing. I am doing the best I have been in a long while. It is simply a realization of how I am feeling and should be taken as just that. It is shared for others who may be feeling the same way to know they are not alone.

I just finished working out in my leotards and tights. A 30 minute step routine. I had stepped on the scale and was shocked that I was at my heaviest weight ever. I haven’t changed my routine that I knew of, but it was really difficult to see.

I had a date recently. It was everything I could have imagined from a vanilla date. We made out. We snuggled. We ended up naked and tried to bring joy to each other. I had not done that in 7 years so I fumbled my way through it and any attempts to get me to simply have an erection, let alone an orgasm, simply didn’t happen.

I drop things a lot. I don’t know if I am clumsy, but I know my hands are not as strong as they used to be. I used to have a vice grip that few could break. Now, my thumbs hurt all the time.

I haven’t kinked for over a month. I don’t seem to be upset about it anymore because I have learned balance entering a new year. I am imagining all the amazing possibilities, but can’t imagine them coming to life unless someone connects with me to want to do those kinds of things.

After many moments of pondering, I have discovered I am not the same human I once was. I used to be able to take on the world and believe that everything will work out. I am optimistic to start the year, and am in better mental health than a long time, but I realize that reality is staring at me, and I’m not ready for it.

My ability to be understanding is still at full strength, as was tested in Minnesota and recently when I had some dates fall through including one kinky one I was really looking forward to. Things happen, and I know that. I have removed expectations and replaced them with anticipations, but it can still be disappointing.

Tomorrow night, I will go to a party where I have not one but two scenes arranged. Both have approached me after conversations, and that has not happened in a long time. I usually have to do the asking, and sometimes it feels like I am begging, and that takes me down a rabbit hole.

So, why is it that this writing is dying to come out. I think it is because for a long time, people have seen me as an aging male looking to get some (by people who have not gotten to know me.) The irony of this is that nothing works. I couldn’t have sex with someone if I tried, as my heart is too scared to take the blue pill due to past chest pains.

So my moments in kink have been and are continuing to be what I desire most. Most of my play, with the exception of one scene with a vibrator, has been non sexual. It will usually lead to my desire to release, which I can only do with a vibrator or some sort of toy. It usually happens in some form of self play where I torture my nipples to an intense state and put a vibrator on a timer so I can feel some pain before I can’t resist the vibrations. The release is there, but most of the time, even though it can be intense, the psychological release does not happen. It’s like I go, wow… it sure would be nice to not have to do that to myself.

I am saddened and honestly frustrated. My haters love to call me an Incel when they want to make me suffer under their words. I have been able to put those words aside, but there never has and never will be any kind of hatred towards women for my state. In fact, just the opposite.

I admire women to the point that I have discounted most every possible relationship as a friend with a male. I cheer for women and wish the men would get their shit together. Yes, I have seen some good men, most of whom are husbands to friends of mine. There are others whose misogyny just makes me mad. There are those who want to get in a woman’s pants for their own gain. Meanwhile, I am always thinking of how I can bring joy to a woman, and will always be the one who wants them to get their joy first, because the chances of me getting it are iffy at best.

So, I continue to wonder, if my Kink and my sexual being ever met, would my ability to feel pleasure allow me to have a “normal” sex life. The thoughts of being helpless or bound or coerced into submission is one that could very easily be turned into a weapon to bring it out of me. But I also know that it is not my place with most of my play partners, most of whom are in committed relationships, to be that person for me. And in this community, the number of potential people with whom I could establish a relationship with seems nearly impossible.

I wrote an article not too long ago about what is next for me, and today, I am not so sure. I am happier than I have been in a long time. I am working to bring my mental health back to a happier place and I can tell it is getting there. It’s just these nagging questions that keep haunting me.

I want to give up the ghosts and start finding my spirit soaring. I am hoping to find some pilots to help take me there. I am not going to force it anymore. If it is going to happen, it will.

Now, I have gotten this off my chest. But would someone please put some nipple clamps on my chest, it makes me happier.