Roles.

Parts we play.

Things we want to be.

It is who we are, but do we only have to be one?

At Winter Fire, I was honored to be able to experience new concepts in kink including my first foray into High Protocol.

When I began in this kink world, there was no doubt that I was a fetishist. I was turned on by the feel of lycra spandex. Seeing the words leotards and tights actually made me hard. I was obsessed and pleasured by the second skin that has become so familiar to me. Now, that fetish has become my armor, my trademark, my safe space. 

Inside my catsuit, I can be Catsuit. I can be kind. I can be beautiful. I can be my authentic self. While the clothes don’t make the man, I have discovered that a man I cannot truly be. I am a human who has a mindset of a woman, the body of a man, and the feelings of a universe.

Outside the catsuit, I am an anxious ball of hoping I am what everyone else needs. I am very good at what I do but somewhere along the line, the Emmy Winning creative genius had been torn down by 20 years of someone telling me I was never enough.

My scenes began nearly 20 years ago when I went to an open house at a BDSM friendly store. The owner was a pro domme and when I saw her in her catsuit, my knees went weak. She tied me to her cage and roughly pushed me towards it physically making me feel in peril. I loved the feeling. 

In Dallas, I discovered the public playspace and when a woman agreed to do my first play scene, she knew I wanted to be restrained. She said, I want to do something called CBT. Being totally naive I said yes and she placed clothes pins on my balls. The pain was excruciating, but the bondage was amazing. I was not one for the pain, but being helpless for a long period of time created a moment I had longed for.

I started to go to play parties, knowing I wanted to be tied up. I wanted to be out of control. I wanted to be restrained so that I would have no other choice but to have the decisions made for me. With that I began to love the sensation of what people would do to me within the spandex. I discovered the feelings of feelings, and discovered that the touch was not there to bring pleasure, but instead serenity… so am I a sensation player? 

My first private scene with a group was set up to take all my fantasies as the superheroine trying to save another from their fate. She wore a catsuit and I wanted to help her but was restrained by the evil villainesses and henchmen. Role play was exactly what I wanted to experience and it was finally mine! I was finally a damsel… so am I a damsel?

A time later, after a bad mental health week, someone asked if they could try a flogger on me, and suddenly, I was feeling something real. I was being hurt and I discovered the hurt can in fact heal. I loved all these things brought together and being under the control of a woman… So am I an impact bottom?

My desire turned to experiencing all the different ways of impact and bondage and sensation and I wanted it all and I needed it constantly. My mind would never release me from the bondage of thinking of bondage. It was an obsession that I wanted to become my life, so am I a bondage enthusiast?

Somewhere along this, I began exploring by interviewing on the podcast and meeting new people. New concepts were introduced. From nipple clamps to CBT, leather restraints to gas masks, spandex to latex. This overwhelming feeling of discovering it all, but still scared of the more extreme of kinks… So am I exploring?

Then I wanted to be under the total control of a woman. Was it a female led relationship I desired or just a relationship with a female that could lead me and be by my side at the same time. I wanted to give myself over to a dominant, and understand what the joy of submission was. I wanted to belong, and be someone’s someone… So am I a Femdom submissive?

At a conference, aftercare became romance, and I was kissed romantically within a scene for the first time in a while. And while I had kissed passionately in a time before, this felt different. Feelings were contained and I wanted to examine if I could live as a member of a poly relationship where I was not THE one. Distance allowed me to understand that I could. 

With every conference and play party, I have grown into my impact play. From the lightest of floggers to carbon fiber canes, I have taken them all with abandon and with the intensity that I had not imagined. Nearly every person who plays with me is astonished by my ability to take pain and be open to the possibilities of new toys… so am I a masochist?

This week, I took my first High Protocol workshop from Athena Kali and her Athenas Icarus, and was guided by a Queen. They gave instructions on how to properly serve. They went over the positions. They discussed what the role of a submissive is to a Dominant, and the Dominant to the submissive. And it was this experience and guidance by the Queen at Winter Fire that brought it all to focus.

I have learned what I am not in my journey so that I can figure out who I am.

I can confidently say that I am not a slave. I have lived over 40 years in the public eye, and I am proud of standing tall and being a leader. While I am very devoted to others, I could not see myself as needing someone to provide my every decision. It has never been who I am. In the D/s world, I can fantasize of times like this, but it is not my life.

I am still a fetishist, but that role only speaks for part of me. I love lycra and latex so much, but my life in kink entails so much more. I will never give up the second skins, but am learning to play without as well.

I am not a kinkster because Kink is my life and not a hobby. I can absolutely say I would dedicate my life to this world if I could.

That brings me to the big questions:

I believe I have become a masochist. To define better, and Impact Masochist. I am loving my exploration into the world of impact implements and what they can do for me. I am not a true masochist because I don’t like pain for pain’s sake but when pain is of use to bring me somewhere, it is a most beautiful place. I think the term Pain Slut is not proper either as I am not focused on this one thing. 

Many would say I am a bottom, because I am a scene by scene player. Bottom does not bring together who I am because I desire more, but what is that more.

OK. Am I a submissive? 

In honesty, this is where this exploration becomes painful because I really want this in my life. I would be honored to be a total submissive for the right person. It would fill my soul. I am trying not to cry as I write this, but this past weekend has given me hopes and doubts all at the same time.

I don’t think there is any doubt in my mind that I am a Service Sub in my soul, as it is my absolute duty in life to help those around me, sometimes sacrificing myself in the process. I will drop everything to come to someone’s rescue or just be an ear for someone to talk to. I am not a foot fetishist, but will always offer a foot rub or a massage for anyone who asks. It is about making them feel good, because that service makes me feel good. That being said, I do not believe I could ever open my soul to be someone’s dedicated errand and chores person. I will do things to help others as opposed to doing things because I am told.

My physical being disqualifies me from being able to do the things that a true submissive does as I can’t do things like kneel as my knees are too weak. My back seizes if I am upright too long in a kneeling position and I cramp if I sit down on my legs. I am more than willing to do what I can and present myself properly, but a true submissive asks no questions and obeys promptly.

A submissive that says I can’t is not a true submissive when accommodations need to be made all the time. A relationship could work around that as we would get to know each other.

My heart wants this so much. My mind keeps me from getting there. It is not ego, but I enjoy being me and the happy go lucky person that I am. I have always been proud to stand and be known for being me and not someone’s property or less than. 

This is where my heart breaks because I want to feel this submission to be someone who can always be counted on, loyal, obedient, loving, serving, admiring, worshiping, inspiring, and being everything for another. I believe there is another word for that. Love. 

I love. I am love. I love so many and would do anything for so many. I do not love exclusively but I want to love someone who has that same strong feeling for me. I cannot give up my entire being to be that for someone if they will not allow me to be the person I am proud of. 

If I was younger and had a long life ahead, I would see where that could grow and flourish. Now, I am not sure how that could work and it’s so hard. Age is just a number, and sadly I wasted 20 years on a woman who wanted me to be her life submissive, providing everything in her life so that she could live in a certain status, while she never gave that passion for life back to me, and along the way shamed me for being someone who liked kink or catsuits.

I would dedicate my life to the right person, and appreciate the female led portion of that. I want to be their everything, and I would hope they would want to be the same for me. It’s old fashioned love in a container of beauty where people can be there in ways that can fill the others soul. My eyes would want to adore them rather than avoid the gaze. I would want to hug them without them feeling that I was wanting something from them and rather giving something to them

Respect. This will always be what drives me. I will always maintain reverence for Dominant Women and those without gender or whose gender is always evolving. I am always happy to be of service and reverence. This is what brings me the desire to be submissive because so many have wanted to force power over others when I just want to be there WITH them.

For now, I will be Damsel, not seeking rescue but rather capture. I will suggest the term Impact Submissive and Bondage Submissive as in those roles, I am totally in service to those placing me in those states.

We can’t be defined by roles, because we shall always be a little of each. I will deal with the heartbreak of always wanting to be a true submissive but not quite getting there. I am not saying it will never happen, it would just have to be the right guide, and one who would be loyal to that journey with me. 

I end with this. I can’t be all things to all people. No one can, no one should. But I will forever be catsuit with a small c. It says that I will never be more than you. It says you can always walk with me or ahead of me. It will mean I honor you. It will mean I will cherish you. It will mean that you will always be able to count on me. 

I am your humble servant, catsuit, but I will stand strong for anyone who ever tells you that you are less than and will always shine the beam of authenticity and love to you, Please always take me for who I am and guide me to what I should be, with love and hope.